-sighness-

At this very moment, I am at my lowest point of my life.

When will this end?

Just want to breakaway from everything.

sigh

submerged in you

If this it what love feels, then I don't want to wake up from it.

If this is meant to be forever, then let me be drunk from it forever.

it's all about you

If you're affectionate, then i'm crazy.

sien die me

this unproductiveness is seriously killing me

Update!

I'm finally, officially, inevitably unemployed! And I'm back in Malaysia, unfortunately.

Well, I don't know whether it's appropriate to call it an "unfortunate" incident but it is "unfortunate" in a way that my plan to obtain a PR after studying in Australia gone down the drain. I have reasons for that ; 1) Economy and 2)Family. Getting a job in Australia is virtually impossible without a PR; so which leads to the ultimate key to the whole damn problem. I AM eligible for PR application BUT, due to economy crisis the government decided to reshuffle PR application so they can prioritize those application which are deemed to be important to them, while marginalizing the rest of it. I am not criticising the government but hey, that's what all governments will do - protectionism!. As a result of that, applying PR with such costs of monetary cost and time will not be acceptable to me at this moment. I need a job, a career, something which I can dwell into and make a living out of it. Unfortunately, I have not found any career which I like, and I CAN put myself into.

When I say "I CAN", it means that sometimes in life you do not have the luxury to do things that you want. In a first person perspective we call it "wants". For example; I want to work for the United Nations, but I can't because I do not have the qualifications for it. See? "want" and "can" makes a damn galaxy difference out of it. So yeh, I have many "wants" but due to numerous constrain in this reality I can't afford to live the "wants" yet.. YET. Someday, I will live those "wants".

My life is a mess now because I didn't plan for this but on the lighter side, at least I find myself handling it "okay-ish". Not to say I'm totally comfortable of where I am now but I am not totally unhappy. Yes I am frustrated and unhappy about what route should I take next? So, right now I am just throwing my resume out and see what happens. I am impatient about these things. The whole recruitment process, interview and stuff but yes I understand it's protocol. Guess I have to be more patient about it.

Wish me luck.

猪病

唉，替人担心真的是不好受。

frustration

I am incredibly frustrated.. for no reason. It's like my chest is going to burst any moment soon.

Fuck!

uni life

Here I am sitting in student lounge trying to study for my exams. Weird enough I don't feel stress for the upcoming exams. Well, that'll be totally untrue. I still feel stress but somehow not that much as compared to my last semester I was totally a stress bomb, as if I would explode anytime if you touch me. Well, I am still worried about my exams, cause if everything goes well, this will be my last exam of my life as uni student. That's it, this is it and this will be the final phase I will be crossing, after this, it's unemployment - what a great "relieve". But course, seeing that I've totally screwed up my degree I'm making sure I'm not screwing up my Masters. Hell who would have guess Mr.O-Lazy-Shu-Shen will be a masters graduate one day, to be honest I am surprised at myself as well. No that I doubt my capability (hehe) but more of my persistent of keeping the effort up. Ok, I did chill and being lazy but hey, I was much better if compared to my days in Sydney.

Maybe it's the environment here. But that's not important now. I should be worried about my exams and hell I'm blogging here. Hmm, must be the latte. To be honest I'm actually quite excited about the exams, not that I really like exams but it's more of the notion of "I want to get over with it". Yes, I think I am 80% prepared for the exam. 80%, hmm, maybe if I stop blogging now I can fill the rest of the 20% in. But who cares, it's still 4.54pm and I have 2 more hours of studying to go.

So..... I'll mingle around more..

$$$$

Money money money.. 

It has always been money. 

Without it you're nothing. No car, no carreer, no food, no clothes, no status. Nothing. 

It is a sad truth. Everything evolves around this notion that underpins the behavaiour of human in this modern society. 

Everybody's materialistic that they often forgo the very essence of being human is being who they are. 

Not to say that I am holy enough not to distance away from this crowd nor do I consider myself materialistic. 

I'm just being practical and pragmatic yet I admire somebody for truly who they are. Money can buy almost everything but you can't buy a man's soul. 

mindless rant

blah... couldn't sleep. Insomnia is getting to me again. 

Sometimes, I think I'm a really boring person. Perhaps I was born in such way people around me will just die of boredomness. Sad to say but I think that's true. Of all the conversations I engaged in, it has always been something serious and there's always a topic to debate on. Man, can you imagine going up a girl in a bar and say "Do you think there should be a reformation of the Security Council in the United Nations?". You've just created a whole new level for pick up lines or maybe and more probably I'll get a stare back with the "wtf" face. ANYWAYS, that's not important. 

2 more months and I'll be done with this nonsense. Should I say, I.am.so.done.with.studying.... Well, some will say uni life is much better than working. True enough, I can understand why they say that because most of the time uni students have what working people don't have - freedom. Fair enough, we have freedom but think of it that way we do not earn any $$$$. Which I think it's important because afterall, without $$$ you're pretty much screwed in your life. Everything needs money.. everything's money money money. I'm not being money minded, just being realistic. To be honest, I'm happy enough to have passive income that can support me and my family for the rest of my life. It doesn't have to be super rich but well off I would argue. 

I'm happy that you're finally smiling again. After those tormented incidents you have been through, the last thing I want to see is you being sad. Now, I miss having you around. 

烦

烦，一句话。。 烦！

最近真的真倒霉， 做什么事都不顺利都阻三阻四的。。 电脑，电话，大学通通都出问题。 唉，真的好无奈。

给人劝告却让人笑老，像个老叔叔。 他妈的的你们这班狗屁不通的东西，这是叫着考虑周全!! 唉，干脆什么也别说了， 反正都不是我的问题，干嘛那么好心肠去理会人家的事呢。。

变，说变就变，说改就改。 人身就是那么的反复无常。 一变，什么都不再与往常一样了。 你走你的路，我走我的独木桥。 我的能力，也只有那么有限，做了也起不到什么作用。 算了吧，见步行步吧。。。

唉， 烦死了。。。

Autumn thought

Came across this song in my playlist and at this very moment, its a reflection of me.



It's called I'll Move On by Olivia Ong.



This road that I'm taking twists and turns



My life my chance turning dreams into reality.



Down this path faced with so many things



Sometimes I feel like giving up and turn away



Can't seem to go on



And I've been thru' this before



Now where am I?



Where do I stand?



A little lost here.



But I'll remember.



All those times you've bought me thru'.



I'd be a fool to give up cos' the goal is near



I'll move on I'll go on.



Lord I will take your hand.



And you will guide me along.



Survive thru' this storm.



So I say, come what may.



I'll hold on to my hope.



Yes, I will walk down this road.



And my passion drive will lead me on



Here I am Once again caught in the rain.



Looking back I've come so far



And I want to carry on



Take a step at time



It's alright.



Even thru' this rain, I want to smile again



Don't hold back now.



And i've been thru' this before.



Now where am I?



Where do I stand?



A little lost here.



But I'll remember.



All those times you've bought me thru'.



I can feel the sun shining down on me



Here I am, Here I am.



Lord I will take your hand.



And you will guide me along.



Survive thru' this storm.



So I say, come what may.



I'll hold on to my hope.



Yes, I will walk down this road.



And my passion drive will lead me on.

Sources

Lyrics : http://www.justsomelyrics.com/393736/Olivia-Ong-I

Picture: http://static.flickr.com/85/271112934_79f8d0b108_o.jpg

spacing out

Life's going to be abit different at the end of this year. Because, it will be a new chapter of life for me.

What will come?

Who knows?

who can tell me ?

what path should I choose?

will I lose everything I have now?

Am I going not going to be the same again?

Why am I feeling worried?

How am I going to handle such change ?

Am I going to lose what I love doing now ?

I guess life is an ever changing process. Nothing's permanent or static. Growing up aint easy and that's for sure, with more responsibilities and tasks to put on your shoulder. Who doesn't wants to enjoy life? But too bad this world rotates around wealth. I've learnt to accept the fact that wealth is almost everything to your life. Of course I'm not saying with money you can do everything you want; but my point is without money everything is virtually impossible.

Because of that, I will have to sacrifice things that I love doing and people I like being with. There's too much uncertainty to even begin with, and too much uncertainty to stand for what I wish and believe. Well, I guess I am just being adaptive towards changes. But one thing for sure, it's torturing in a way to actually realise things are not going to be the same again. As day passes and the day is drawing closer, you're in more denial you'll ever be. Untill the day comes and you're sitting in your room going through that moment, you just plunge into depression.

Direction please?

So many things to do in so little time given..

In this crossing path of my life, what route should I choose and take?

It is inevitable some sacrifition have to be made.. but will that take me where I want to?

What is my ideal life? what is considered as an ideal life?

Does money matter? or achievement in something you believe in ? It does matter, life's nothing without money. Can't buy food, no entertainment, no freedom, no dignity.. nothing at all...

This entrapment of money making paradigm puts doing something you like at wit's end.

But then again, slavery for money making.. makes you a walking zombie like the other ones..

Directions anybody?

The unexpected

Alas I'm back in Melbourne, unfortunately. It's my final semester for my masters and man I better don't screw this up! Did that, been there and I swear it's not a pleasant experience.
First of all, you have to re-schedule your plan because everything is being delayed for half a year or even worse, a year. Second of all, more costs will be incurred. Whether you like it or not, somehow you have to come up with another 10kAUD (based on rate on 2007)to pay for your semester excluding living costs which includes rent, food and other expenses. Hefty fine for failing a subject!

Anyways, something happened when I arrived back in Melbourne. My dog Jane passed away. Sigh, man I'm so sad over her death. The doctor said her life expectancy will be around 6 to 9 months but unexepctedly the cancer cells manage to infect her bloodstream thus infecting her other organs in her body. Being an old dog (9 years), her immune system wasn't effective enough to slowdown the infection and she was paralzyed from the pain. Being an active dog since a pup, this was the first time I ever see her lying motionless in her hut, dreading to move even if I pat her. I regretted of not spending enough time with her, yes I am really no regreting and will be for the rest of my life. How do I describe her? Jane is a different type of rottweiler. Of all Rotties I've came across she's the skinniest, yet the most devoted dog I ever had. I still remember the first day she arrived at my house as a puppy. She was small, skinny but very friendly, hyperactive and daring!

Despite her physical size, she's much more fierce than any other dogs because she's a dedicated dog who will fend off any strangers that invades my home. No doubt about it, she killed countless stray cats and dogs, and rats. Those are just small preys. If there ever been a rober or thief, I'm sure he/she will be dead regardless. Not to mention her husband Jacky and son Jay will be around to back her up. Now that you've left us, I bid you goodbye and hope you'll find freedom in afterworld - roaming and run to your hearts content in the endless meadow. Sorry for not loving and spending enough time with you.

But of course, death is part of life and that's what makes life, life. At least she was properly burried with a funeral. That is what we can give you last before you move on, while I will have to move on.

New world

If USA is to open up a human colony in Mars, I'll be the first to sign up.

New world, new life.

idiotic malaysian drivers

I've almost got into 5-6 road accidents since I came back from Australia.

1st. Some motorcyclist just cut into my lane without any signals, I nearly crash into him. Some fucktard he is.

2nd. This MyVi beside me tried to cut into my line without even checking his side/back mirror. Almost crash into me. Luckily he's not that retarded at all and actually saw I was only 5 cm away from getting a paint job from me.

3rd. Same shit as 2nd, happened on the same day just 5 mins after the 2nd incident happened, another fucktard driver did the same thing.

4th. Was at a junction trying to turn right, e-braked while doign the turning because this fat-ass ignorant prick on his shithole suzuki speed by me from the right side from the back.

5th. Anther ignorant prick on a suzuki was totally in the wrong lane coming towards me and tried to turn into a junction which i was turning into.

6th. There's a thing called the zebra line mofo! Are you intellectually challenged?!

Self-centered malaysians, there's a thing called road courtesy. Use ur freaking signals instead of just cutting blindly into other people's lane. It doesn't require much for you to stick ur finger out and push the blardy knob which is 2mm away from ur driving position.

There's a thing called the stop sign and give way. Not crash and burn! Idiotic mofos.

1234

2009! Time really flies. 

I've been thinking what will 2009 bring ?  Some of the heads up for 2009 are the global economy crisis is definitely going to deterioriate, which means more people will be retrenched, job losses increases, social insecurity increases, crime rate increases. Let's hope for the best life losses will be minimum. 

As for me, if things proceed as planned I should be graduating during mid year and get a job as soon as possible. But with the current situation, who would want to employ an international student with no working experience? This worries me a lot. I'm really tired of studying. It's not that I don't enjoy studying but right now I would like to earn some dough and at least I can self sustain myself. Being financially dependent on your parennts is not an enjoyable experience. All I want is, good career, and good income. That's all. Nothing fancy nor big buck earning stuff. 

All in all, if things goes well I would like to own a car soon. Or at least to have a reasonable buying power.